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I need a new addiction


by Jeremiah Ndjoze
Columns

I’m in a serious dilemma - all because some medical doctor with a surname that I can’t even pronounce gave me a tall order to find a new addiction. 

Holy crap! I mean, how? All because that bloody Jack Daniels has a way of busting a man’s groove. Trying to get me all washed-out and getting the doctors involved. And now I have to work a bit harder to find a new thing to cling onto. Apparently, something that will get more blood into wine, so to speak.

So what is it gonna be? Can’t be the holy herb. No! Hell no! I can’t be seen walking around looking like Snoop Dogg or Slick the Dick... all ‘enchanted’ and stuff. We all know what that ‘enchantment’ did to Shikololo and Steve Hanana. Besides, I tried puffing on cigarettes during my teens but failed miserably. 

I just can’t keep the smoke down, because of all the years of sitting in my grandfather’s holy fire house, I think. And oh, that’s the village house where we, the ‘Herbies’, light a fire every morning and listen to the old man’s tales. That’s if we’re not outside at the holy fire where we have to act all holy while the old man spits on our faces. 

Aaaanyway, smoking is out. Worse still, I’ve had one too many women telling me to either build muscles or get fat and I can’t worsen it all by smoking myself thin. Long and short of it...smoking does not meet the criteria and drugs are whack.

I could try being addicted to church but church is another story all together. Look, church is a good thing and good things are not what great addictions are about. Imagine me claiming to be a Jesus lover. Could be possible but is it allowed? Okay, like me, dude was also not married but I’m sure people wouldn’t assume that we are a new couple or something, because unlike him, people at Frank Stone’s in Windhoek North know my middle name. So, wrong assumptions are not my concern.

 

My concern is whether or not I’ll cut the grade as a church addict. Or, maybe I will, seeing that my other name loosely translates as ‘Preacher’ or something close to that. But, do I want to get myself into a boring addiction, because my old lady had good intentions? 

And by the way, I cannot turn my visit at Frank Stone’s into an addiction either; we all know what that did to musician, Eric Benet. I also don’t think that Ruby in the Mud will support that idea.

I could get addicted to work but that ‘all work and no play’ thing will certainly take the fun out of the job.  

The bottom line, folks, is that I’m in dire need of a new addiction. One that won’t pull a fast one on me, bust my groove or get the doctors involved. Any suggestions?