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Other Articles from The Villager

Only fools marry nowadays


by Chris-Paul
Columns

 

 

Growing up, we look forward to settling down with the woman of our dreams one day, make our own families and then live happily ever after.
I beg to differ, though there are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage, especially hustler-preachers. Well, the truth is, marriage is no fun at all. It is a three-ringed circus and each ring is bigger than the last. It starts with the engagement ring, weeding ring and then comes the biggest of all, suffering! It’s the last ring that I’m more interested in today, because married people don’t really tell you the reality of the prison they are in, unless you are a kamboroto.
With no further ado, let’s get into the reality of it. Marriage is like a bird cage; the birds outside are desperate to get in and those inside are desperate to get out. That is because they only tell you the good things about marriage and when you see a married couple walking hand-in-hand, you are quick to believe it. Some say marriage is a contract. No, it’s not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer.
Ladies, just think about it, if your husband were to start messing up, would you take him back to his mother’s house?
For business owners and churches, marriage is a massive marketing ploy. That’s why you need money and lots of it, in order to get married. The hustler-preacher at your church says marriage is a union: A union of hearts; a union of souls; a union of minds but wait till you have to pay those union dues!
The union dues are the third ring; suffering.
A few years into your marriage, with a kid or two, things start turning a left field. Your wife starts bitching about you needing a penis enlargement, as if she never said she adored your inner-leg. Things start getting worse and while killing yourself humping her, she will just start looking at you, probably doing her hair in the process.
This is one of the bad things about marriage, because you reach a point when you no longer make love to that vertical smile but to scrambled eggs between the legs.
You suddenly start to disgust her. One man in a miserable marriage once said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office and my wife would bring my slippers while our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after 10 years, it’s all different: I come home, the dog brings me the slippers while my wife runs around barking.”
It’s a fact that there are so many things to be unhappy about in a marriage. The notion of only having sex in the boring  old missionary position, is the reason why most men suddenly start to put more attention in their jobs and kamborotos, come home late and stuff... They start saying their jobs are better than their wives and you know why? Because five years later after your wife has long stopped, your job still sucks!
Marriage is a crime of irresponsible baby-machines masquerading as parents, complete with photos for heightened indiscretion and infidelity. Fed up of being told that their penises need some enlargement from ‘Dr Gulu’ by the very woman whose once cute vertical smile has turned into scrambled eggs between the legs, most men will opt to eat away from home.
Your wife will suck you dry of your money before seeing you off in more permanent ways - that’s why a man is susceptible to dying first in every marriage. Thus the old adage, “Behind every successful man is a woman with a pre-nuptial agreement.”  
So next time your hustler-preacher tries to talk you into getting married by saying that marriages are made in heaven, look him in the eyes and say, ‘so are thunders, lightning, tornados and hails’.
The most successful married man is the one who keeps up with his wife’s infidelity, has !sh thrown at him while slowly but surely parting ways with his money - that equals a fool.