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*39/766, why Gideon, why?*

01/12/2017
by MFK
Columns

I’m no expert in politics nor do I have the aspirations to be amongst the country’s top voted crooks. Mara the recent political vomit is just another one lesson that everyone should learn from. The comedic embarrassment tantamount to daylight humiliation and uncircumcised thoughts taken to an open-book political science test are just a finger-tip of how Namibians never want to learn when and how to fight. Some fights are not of your calibre and as such participation should never cross your mind. Mara the comrades just decided to take out one word out of a motivational book – ‘hope.’

Whether the elections at the just ended Swapo Congress were helped via a written comprehension or with that Indian calculator with already determined answer, Team Shawapo was destined to fall. That’s my subjective opinion. Nobody beats the referee at his own game. Every goal can be an offside and if you insist on getting emotional, you can just as well get red carded. 

The biggest loser here was Nahas Gideon Angula and his cheerleaders who thought having a choir translates into votes. 

The Father of the Namibian Education and first minister of Education, a teacher by profession and a political school drop-out scored just 39/766 in a political science test. That is something like 5% and 6% if you round it off to the nearest big number. And no, the Black Friday had no influence on the low results. Political science this weekend was reduced to a primary school subject similar to Home Ecology, but still Gideon the veteran could not make the passing mark. Of the 39 votes, you can take out one vote because the teacher obviously voted himself. So that makes it 38 votes, do the math. Also, don’t forget to subtract the other obvious vote from his daughter who was also a delegate.

I don’t know where some people draw their confidence from but as from today, advise your child to be brave like Gideon even when you know that they do not stand a chance. Team Swapo over weekend was that side chick who thought just because the guy’s sisters laugh with her she qualifies to become the main madam. Eish, it was unfortunate. Hage walked them back to the friend-zone lines again, and still kissed them on the cheek after saying – In Gazza’s words ‘groot man is n groot man.’

Defeat, especially at the sunset of your biological make-up becomes very difficult to accept. It’s like when you fart around kids and you have to act as if all is normal. I bet this is time that the comrade regrets coming out of the Political NamCol, when he should have listened to the advice from his elder to pursue a trade certificate in Plumbing. 

I cannot remember when exactly but Gideon at some point said Politics is not everything. You should have stayed in the wilderness Gideon, we were just getting to the crux of putting you in the history books with no humiliating defeat records. In fact, even if needed some bail-out we would have sacrificed our Castelo or Capenheimer money to help you that guaranteed assistance is no more. 

Never make decisions out of anger, ask Benjamin Ulenga and the loose-cannon Bernadus Swartbooi. Gideon’s usefulness and lack of relevance has been surpassed by the value of toilet paper in a plumbing classroom at COSDEF.

If this does not hurt enough, the social media cabinet reshuffle presidents have demoted Gideon to lower primary Head of Department at Katusha Combined School at Sauyemwa. That’s why they say you should listen to your parents. This is a lesson that next time you don’t take out your omukonda for a Damara with stones. Your face will be distorted seconds before you start collecting brownie points. 

And the others?

Jerry makes a good State House Choir Conductor, that’s if the scouts from the guitar churches have not taken him already. Honestly, this comrade’s list of political achievements, both in Swapo and at Government level barely completes a sentence. What puzzles me is where he gets the confidence from to compete at each congress. He must share that confidence with the rest of us who do not have confidence in government.

I can just imagine him being at the doors of the church welcoming those who have been on the wrong side of life and now given the chance to repent. Or perhaps we can demote him to the Fax Machine Operator in his ministry. Sources in the know of his daily movements say he spends most of his time close the Tanganyika machine.

Meme Pendukeni just failed her name. She slept all the time only to come tell us that the choir is no more after losing. That was a speech of a side chick who realised that there is no promotion without favour in this game. At least not while the main chick still washes the boxers. Ask Shaningwa.

Meme Petrina Namutenya Haingura needs to leave politics to go become an assistant water girl for the regional Netball development team in Mpungu or go back to dressing wounds at the Rundu State Hospital. Unlike in the civic society where the marginalized are considered regardless of their qualification, it does not work like that in politics madam. 

I have no words for the Oshikoto Combined School grade 6 Class Captains.

Sharpies…..

DISCLAIMER: MFK is a satirical column, written by a nameless individual. His views are not endorsed by the editorial policy of the publishers.